Recently I found myself in a situation where I had to choose to keep things as they have been, or to take a step back. I chose the step back.
It is not that my feelings for the team have changed, they have not. It is not that a great catalyst ignited a fire that I needed to extinguish. Not at all. I found my self holding my breath at meetings and fighting back things I wanted to say, because I knew they would fall on deaf ears. The resistance in myself was greater than the ease I strive to live with on a daily basis.
Steven Pressfield writes about resistance in his book, “The War of Art.”(2012). The chapter titled “Fear” is an excellent discussion of fear and how, “..resistance feeds on fear.” (Pressfield, The War of Art, 2012). One of the most challenging, but paramount first steps is to discern what you fear. For me, I tend to fear disappointing others. It makes me shake my head and sigh, but it is true. I avoid scenarios where another will be more disappointed than me. When asked why, often by my therapist, my answer is that I am used to being disappointed and I know I can battle on. But I do not want others around me to feel that kind of pain. Intellectually I realize this is impossible, but it is my nature.
To look at it further, disappointing another feels like a failure on my part. And in the words of Gene Kranz regarding bringing back the astronauts from the Apollo 13 mission, “Failure is not an option”.
In order to make a decision, I find it useful to make a pro/con list. Or if you prefer, a positive/negative list. The notes app on my phone works, but my favorite is a good pen and a legal pad. I set a timer for 20 minutes. I can write longer, but I have to sit there for 20 minutes with no other distractions, pondering the question.
- Write at the top what the choice is you are reflecting about
- For example: I think I want to leave the supervisor role and just be a team player
- Write choice one on the left and choice two on the right, and draw a line down the page
- You now have two columns.
- Start on the left side and write every reason you can think of why you should (stay)
- Then go to the right and write every reason you can think of why you should (leave)
Now close the app/notebook and leave it for a few hours.
Once time has passed, at least an hour, read the page. What do you see? Can you circle the things that strike a chord with you? Which side of the page is the truest for you. No one else just you? Now you have an answer.
At this point, I find a person outside the situation to, “use my words” with. I let them know in advance I just need to talk something out and they might not be able to help, but I just need a place to talk. And then, use your words. Anything is acceptable. After you have written your thoughts and said them outloud, the answer is usually clear. The last road block is to get past the fear and actually take action.
Practice saying your words out loud, alone in private. Say them until they flow as easily as saying your favorite drink order. If you can, let another person in the group know of your intention so you are not catching a person who considers themself you ally off guard. It is not a question, should I do this, it is a statement, “I am going to let the team know I … I wanted you to know before but would appreciate your discretion until I make the announcement.”
Above all else know that “This too, will pass away.” (Fitzgerald, Solomons Seal 1852). In my story, it took me three tries in one day to tell the group I wanted to take a step back from my role. Three Times. The final statement was a text that concisely and cleanly stated what I have said in the meeting. It was kindly received and responded to and as I read their response, it felt like I was watching a balloon I had clung to with both hands drift off into a peaceful sky.
Thank you for taking the time to read these words. I appreciate all your support and the wonderful comments and “shares” to your profile pages. Please send me a message at Mona@TheHopefulHostess.com if you have any topics that you would like to see explored on these pages. Until next Monday, Mona
The Hopeful Hostess 