The Lady and her Gloves, and other musings of attire.

In my work with young ladies and gentlemen, I am often asked if young ladies must wear gloves.  For many formal teen settings such as a Cotillion, or Debutant Ball or even a black-tie celebration, it is customary for a young lady to wear simple white gloves.  I can share that the symbol of a young lady wearing white gloves often brings forth strong feelings and interesting questions.  

Here are my brief thoughts on the topic:

1.  Gloves historically have been worn as a form of protection.  In the earliest recordings, gloves were used as a method to assist in blocking the transmission of disease.  A simple fabric glove that could be cleaned was one of the earliest hygienic practices.
2. Gloves are still a sign of cleanliness.  White glove service at a restaurant is thought to show the pristine cleanliness of the kitchen and the food service staff.
3. Gloves were a way to cover rough hands from manual labor.  Specific gloves also are part of many uniforms such as military and even bellman.  They offer protection and function depending on the style of glove.
4. For young teens, just practicing social interaction, a lady wearing a glove provides a level of comfort.  Students of this age are often concerned with touching another person who is not family.  An experience such as a Junior Cotillion or Dance Club is often the first exposure that young ladies and gentlemen will have to hold hands with a person who is not family.
5. There is the very practical side of gloves, if you are a person who tends toward “clammy” or sweaty palms, a simple cotton glove while shaking hands can assist with confidence.

In modern etiquette, it is the ladies who wear the gloves.  It is very uncommon for a young gentleman to wear gloves unless it is for warmth (winter gloves) or for a work function.  In all settings, the medical gloves are not considered socially appropriate.  Basic cotton gloves can be found on Amazon or through other vendors.  They should be treated like socks and washed after every use.

Women’s attire, in the words of Amy Vanderbilt in the Complete Book of Etiquette (1995, Doubleday), “anything goes in women’s dress today…”.  Emily Post’s, Etiquette 19^th Edition (1997 Harper Collins) writes, “ If people focus on the clothes you are wearing rather than on you, then you’re wearing the wrong clothes.”  Skirt length, type of sleeve and how much in general a young ladies dress should cover are matters of personal taste and style.  Consideration should be given to the current fashion and what is available in stores.  It can be extremely difficult to find a dress that is of modest length, but not too long based on today’s fashion trends.  Difficult, but not impossible.  

I do not like to engage in conversations regarding what is appropriate, I believe that is a personal and family decision.  My advice is to purchase a full-length mirror.  Look at yourself in the dress you would like to wear, raise your hands above your head and view your outfit from all angles.  If you are the parent, give the child some grace and consider not having an emotional response to skirt length.   How can this person be supported to express themselves through their clothing, but still have consideration for how certain wardrobe choices are perceived by others?  

• Ask the child or yourself, what is your favorite thing about what you are wearing?
• If you could change one thing in this outfit, what would it be?
• Can I make a suggestion about one thing, just to see how it looks?

Parents, for the most part, clothes are just clothes.  For generations, the parents have protested to what the teen chooses to wear.  And for most of us, there are a few photos in outfits, we all wish we could go back and change.  Finding a look or personal brand is a journey.  Maintianing a safe open conversation is a starting point.  Here are a few guide rails:

• If you have hard stop rules for:
  • Skirt length
  • Mid drift exposure
  • Budget or appropriate spending 
  • Slogans or images on clothing

Tell your child in advance, write them down, even make a cute, framed list for their dresser.  But be clear about the boundaries. Expect the rule or boundary to be tested. This is age appropriate behavior. They are learning how to discuss and evaluate a topic. Instead of allowing the interaction to be a power struggle, consider listening and looking at what they are trying to communicate with you as a whole picture.

• Give a spending allowance for limits as a family for clothing and shoes.  Discuss these at a time when it does not matter.  If you cannot fathom spending $500 on one piece of clothing, let your child know.  BUT, be prepared to address if THEY WANT TO SAVE THEIR MONEY, can they buy what they want?
• Have your child, or yourself, ALWAYS try on the complete outfit BEFORE you plan to wear it. 
  • For a formal event, put on the whole outfit, jewelry, shoes, bag and all at least 7 days prior to the party.
    • You will still have time to buy a different shoe, adjust a hem, or change jewelry.
    • Take a photo in the outfit, and if possible, print it and place it on a mirror or somewhere visible.  This allows a person to reflect on how others will see them in their attire.
  • For teens, encourage them not to share photos or discuss their outfit with friends before the event.  Talking before opens them to critiques.  The intention is for the person wearing the clothes to feel like themselves in the outfit, and not to worry about what anyone else thinks.
  • If it is for you, and you do not have a person in the house with you to reflect on your choices, then ask a friend’s advice.  A trusted friend that you would aspire to wear the same styles.

If you are a young professional, and not sure what is appropriate to wear for in the office or at a business function:

Consult the employee handbook, there is always a section on office attire.  Be sure everything you wear meets those basic requirements.

• If you have an upcoming important meeting or office event, find a person (probably older) that you respect and enjoy their style and ask what they are wearing.  Women should support each other professionally, even in what we wear.  

• Look at photos of the previous year’s event.  Pay attention to who was wearing what.  If the person who supervises your work is in a professional dress or business suit, then this is a strong indication that you would be appropriately dressed if you wore the same.  

• In my opinion, being a little more formal or conservative tends to be a wise choice at work or in professional situations.

Shoes, a very personal decision.  From red soles to leather boots, they all have a time and place.  My personal thoughts are:

• Make sure your footwear is clean and without holes or scratches.
• If you cannot walk easily, it is not a work shoe.
• Athletic footwear is not meant for work.  This is my opinion.  I understand that fashion sneakers are a thing.  I also know that a pair of basic black flats or cute loafers rarely elicits judgment from anyone.  Do you want people talking about your shoes, or your excellent work performance.  If it is the shoes, you might reflect on how you have chosen to earn your paycheck.  
• Cover your toes.  Just trust me.

A person can have the best and most put together outfit, BUT when you stand up to shake a person’s hand, and they glance down at your feet, a quick judgment can occur.  Fair or not, consider your shoes.  They really do matter.

Thank you to my readers who asked me to write on this topic.  If you have a question you would like The Hopeful Hostess to discuss, please send it here:  https://thehopefulhostess.com/contact/

I appreciate all the friends you have brought to The Hopeful Hostess pages!  Thank you for helping me to grow the awareness of Etiquette and Communication skills.  I hope to meet you at my next workshop.  Have a wonderful day and stay Hopeful!