Define Leadership

     One of the first questions I like to ask the teens I work with is, “What does it mean when someone says be a leader?”  Silence is what tends to follow.  Then I will ask, “Has anyone ever told you to be a leader?  What do you think they meant?”  Now I might get a few answers like, “Do the right thing.” or, “Make good choices”.  My follow up is, “What does that mean to you?”  More silence.  The energy in the room shifts.  The students are listening at this point because they want to have the answer to that question.  They would like to know what it means when a “grown-up” tells them to be a leader.  And that is not an easy question to answer.

Leadership at the teen level is not the same as in a professional situation.  Teens are bombarded by mixed messages. 

 Let’s look at their phones:

First, I am going to give you this phone so you can be safe.  You can reach me anytime.  I can come get you.  If you have a question, even when you are at school, I can answer it.  No need for you to think on your own or ponder what your parents would like you to do.   You can just text me and I will respond.  And you must respond when I text or call immediately.  If not I will assume the worst has happened.

Second, your phone is dangerous.  It must be controlled and blocked and monitored so that the predators out there do not find you.  Parents like to quote statistics and horrible, true stories of what has happened to other children just like them.  We will tell tales so frightening of how the phone has led a child just like them into a world of darkness.  These are true stories and devastating to families.  

Third, your phone is currency.  You must earn your time on this device.  I control it.  I monitor it.  You have no privacy.  I will take it at a whim, or I will define the parameters with which you can use it and then act swiftly, with what you perceive as malacice,  should you break any of the defined rules.

Fourth, your phone is a fake friend.  It can keep your secrets, but if you make a mistake, it will betray you.  Send a wrong text, and you could be banished.  Get sent a wrong text, you will be persecuted even though you are just the recipient.  One minute it is a tool to show videos to your friends and laugh at the dad jokes, the next, it was used to take a video of you that has now been air-dropped across the cafeteria.  

How about the role-models? 

  I like to talk to students about celebrities and athletes.  I will ask them is they realize that most of these people have some sort of agent, or personal consultant that helps them define their brand.  They seem surprised when I share with them that what they see in a YouTube channel or TikTok is a personal brand.  It might look fun and spontaneous, but every part was thought out prior to the video.  Most videos take were a few attempts before the perfect one is posted.  Students will let me know that the people they are following are in fact just normal people.  That they enjoy seeming behind the scenes of people they are interested in.  I like to ask them if they believe it was all luck that this person is now an influencer, or could they consider that the influencer studied other influencers and educated themselves on how to monetize their personality.  Most athletes, at a high school level and above, have some sort of agreement as to what their public persona is allowed to be.  I like to bring this back to the idea of leadership.  Is an influencer a leader?  The teen students have a mixed reaction to this.  We engage in a discussion of what about the influencer, athlete, or celebrity they like?  Do then enjoy watching it for entertainment, or would they aspire to be like them?  And which part?  To be seen and known beyond your in personal social circle or would you truly like to emulate what you are watching?

  Gone are the days of sitting in front of the TV where content was federally monitored.  Celebrities and personalities had to conform to restrictions, or they would be censored.  Now everything is accessible.  The burden of what is appropriate is entirely on parents.  And most parents do not have a firm understanding of what is available and how they would feel about their child viewing it because they have no experience in this arena.   TV shows did not allow any nudity or cursing, or even inuendo of deviant behavior.  Cable TV was a privilege and even then, the content was time sensitive.  Maybe you could DVR it, but not stream on demand.  There was strategy involved.  You needed to make a plan to see it or sneak it, or to be friends with the kid with the “Cool” parents so you could go to their house and watch.  

What can we do?

   Most of the teen students I work with are looking to be leaders and do the right thing.  They just do not have a leader to follow.  Their mentor opportunities are limited.  On one side, if you are interested in something, the internet allows you to take a very deep dive.  You can know and see anything about an athlete, actor or public figure.  But how does that make them a mentor to you?  They are familiar with parents, religious figures, teachers, and athletic coaches.  These are not mentors; these are adults who hold the rules and the limits of their freedom.  I am one of them, so I understand this is implicit in holding one of these positions. What can we all do to help lead this generation forward?

   I have a friend I quote often regarding parenting.  We both started our families within weeks of each other.  We supported each other for the first few years.  One thing she said that I have never forgotten is “Shepherd the Child”.  I know this is a popular saying and probably from a book or something, I am not sure who to credit for the phrase.  What I am sharing is the intention.  She would run after one of our kiddos who might be a little more rambunctious than desired, and would laugh as she scooped them up and say, “shepherd the child, shepherd the child, shepherd the child…”  I love that idea.  It probably kept us both from a parenting rant and has given me a smile every time I need to use that phrase.  That is what all parents are trying to do.  Even my mom today is still trying to shepherd me.

       A shepherd leads with trust.  If you get out of line, a shepherd will move you back in line with appropriate force.  If you are lost, a shepherd will find you.  If you are attacked, a shepherd will fight off that predator to return you to safety.  The shepherd is not watching every animal in the flock, but looking to see that things are generally moving in the right direction.  The shepherd keeps moving forward with his eyes open.  They move in confidence that they will get where they need to in the end.  As a parent this is what we all do as well.  We are trying to lead them forward.  To let them have enough freedom to make mistakes, but not so much that we cannot “fix it”.  What is different is, we do not know this new virtual world.  We are learning at the same time as the teens.  That is a scary place for both adult and teen.  Who is in control here?  Who knows more?

      When I talk more about this with teens, I use the same shepherd analogy.  Being a leader as the older sibling could look like when you are picking up your lunch in the morning to turn to your brother and say, “Hey don’t forget to grab your lunch.  Did you put your homework folder in your bag?  I almost forgot mine, that would be awful”. I like to let them know that a leader is not a “try hard” it is how they move about the world.  T I work with them to build skills so they can move about the world with more ease and grace for themselves.  If you know how to confidently speak and what the expected behaviors are in a situation, it is easier to be a leader.  People are always looking around to see how to do things better.  I ask the students to start doing the things that they would like someone to have done for them.  

      My clients in the junior high and high school age group are open to listening once they know you are not there to take anything from them.  I talk with them a lot about finding common ground with the adults in their lives.  An observation I have made is that the attachment to the phone in communications is that they want to show you something.  “Mom, look at this!”, or to their friends, “Did you see this?”  “Send that to me, I want to see it”.  All visual, they do not show and tell, they show and share.  The first thing the students ask me is why their parents are allowed to have their phones all the time and they are not.  My answer is short.  “You have not earned the right yet.”  “Yet” is the key.  It is not their place to police their parent’s phone or to tattle on a sibling for their phone habits.  This is not going to get them common ground with their adults.  Instead, I ask them to consider leaving their phone in their room and sitting in the tension of not having it while talking with their parents.  See how it feels to use their words, not images to communicate.  I have been told, “People do not understand what I am trying to say, it is just easier to show them”.  To this I like to encourage them to think about what they are saying in context.  To use the three classical questions, 

Is it true

Is it necessary 

Is it kind

If these are not met, then maybe the story or video or photo does not need to be shared.  

  I ask the students for small doses.  Students, adults, or teens are not permitted to have an electronic device while we are working together.  Even for long workshops, phones are not in the room.  At some point near the end of the gathering, I will point out that they have made it 1.5 hours or more without their phone.  They are more often than not, having fun. Talking, laughing.  Telling stories.  I point out to students that the reason we do not have phones in sessions is that it is a safe space.  Their mom will not be taking a photo of them to post for all the world what their student was up to in etiquette class.  That is why I do not post images from my workshops online.  People have a right to privacy.   When they feel safe, they are more likely to be open to learning.

Leadership comes from learning

  .  Leadership does not come from a place of fear, that is submission. Leadership comes from having a mentor who has no vested interest in your success and no ability to inflict punitive punishment.  Being a leader is not clear cut.  Teens need our time and our patience in this process.  I ask parents to remember that a High School student is at work from 7:15 AM, with a break at 2:30, then resume practice or a paying job or back to study for three more hours.  They are at “work” for 10 hours a day.  Maybe not like an adult is at work.  But being a teen is work.  They are exhausted from constant work of one kind or another.  I am not saying that there should be no accountability.  I believe in rules and responsibility. There is also a human side.  Adolescence is a lot.  I try to remember that as I am “shepherding” my people along through life.

Thank you for reading these words.  Please like and share with your friends, family, and co-workers.  If you have a question for The Hopeful Hostess, please comment below.  Have a wonderful week and stay Hopeful! 

See you next Thursday!

Mona